I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
