honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
