i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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