There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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