I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
