Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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