Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
