she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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