I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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