So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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