I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize