Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
