someone threw a dead crab at me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
