Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize