The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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