why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize