why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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