guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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