So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
