It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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