That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
