you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
