Someone shit on the floor
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
