Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
