Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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