dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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