I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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