I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
