Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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