does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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