I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
