I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
