Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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