Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
