then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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