As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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