i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
