this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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