Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
