The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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