how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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