Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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