I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
