I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
