Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
