i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
