I looked at my own cervix.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
