How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
