Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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