Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
