and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
