i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There r osticjed everywhere
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
