I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
