and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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