I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
