Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
