Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
