Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
