An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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