i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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