dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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