hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How external is "for external use only"?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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