Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
